Superstar Diaries

It has been a while since I posted anything substantial. Lately, I haven't been in an overly reflective mood.

Well, that's not really true. But I can't talk about what I'm thinking about. It's a secret. ;P

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I'm really shy. Honest to god, I am one of the most shy people you'd ever meet in this lifetime. I'm not an introvert, but I am shy. It's funny that people, when I say that, find it, well, funny.

Honest to god, I really am shy.

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Maybe the problem is me. I hate the fact that I'm neurotic. I overthink things. I feel too greatly. I reflect on the metaphysical nature of things too often. I believe in people too much.

Idealism is, in a sense, a conscious effort to be partly naive. I don't want to lose my idealism, and I feel like I'm starting to compromise a little bit too much. I'm starting to grow up.

Is that a bad thing? I'm not sure, but something in me senses something wrong with it; with growing up, in this particular context.

I don't like it.

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I've lost so much weight, it just won't stop. At this rate, I'm scared I'll be a bag of bones by the end of the semester.

Read a case about the party-list system. It basically said that parties must represent the marginalized and underrepresented. Remembered MAD (Mamamayang Ayaw sa Droga). One suddenly realizes that the only way they will represent the marginalized is if we are all coke-sniffing, dubi-smoking, heroin-injecting druggies.

So my friend and I decided to make a real party that truly represented the marginalized and underrepresented. We called it NOT MAD. Or Natatanging Organisasyon ng mga Tao at Mamamayang Ayos lang sa Droga.

Hehehe. We crack ourselves up.

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So we were waiting for a cab. This cab shows up and we try to enter but he shoos as away because he wanted the two pretty girls behind us to ride instead. So we went to the next cab in line. The two girls decided not to use a cab and walked away. We asked the driver of our current cab to honk at the first one so the guard won't let him stay to wait for more possible passengers. Laugh trip galore dahil evil sya. Decided to tip our driver dahil kinunsinti nya kami. Hahaha. Evil.

Yan. Nakarma tuloy. Feeling kasi papatulan ng mga girls.

Sabi ko nga, "Hindi lang sila langit, at hindi ka lang lupa."

Hay. Evil ng universe. Hahaha.

hindi man ito nalalagi; at sinasabi ko

hindi man ito nalalagi; at sinasabi ko
na kapag ang iyong mga labi,na aking minahal, ay dumikit
sa iba,at ang malakas mong mga daliri ay kumapit
sa kanyang puso, katulad ng sa akin sa panahong di nalalayo;
kung sa ibang mukha ang buhok mo’y dumapo
sa katangi-tanging katahimikang nalalaman ko,o kaya’y
mabibigat na salita na,lubusang umaapaw,
ay tumayo ng walang lakas sa kaluluwang nakahinto;

sa ganitong pangyayari,sinasabi ko sa ganitong pangyayari-
ikaw na nasa puso ko,bigyan mo ko ng isang salita;
ng pumunta ako sa kanya,at kunin ang kanyang mga kamay,
sinasabing,Tanggapin mo ang lahat ng aking kasiyahan.
Pagkatapos ay ibabaling ko ang aking mukha,at maririnig ang isang ibong
kumakanta sa malayong nagtatagong lupain.

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Translated e.e. cummings poem "it may not always be so; and i say" to Filipino and I must say that it still sounds beautiful, I think.

:)

I feel so lazy lately.

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Our class, as a whole, isn't doing too well in Criminal Law. We really need to get our acts together. I sense Prof. Faylona is getting frustrated.

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My creative juices are overflowing. There is a serious lack of venues to showcase one's creativity (outside of the mundane or the mediocre) in Law school. I need a shot of culture.

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I've been living alone for over a month now. I've gone back to Montalban a total of 5 times, one day at a time, since then. Hay. I miss cable television.

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I hope everything works out.

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I love Tifa.

:)

Unlike a rabid dog
I do not bite
But hump endlessly
at a stray post
or a large plant.

Unlike a rabid dog
I am shot
with meds that take me down
before I even try.

I am castrated
unlike a rabid dog.

Rather, rabidness does not
presume a lack of mental faculty.
It is a gift, but not quite.
It is a curse, but not quite.

Unlike a rabid dog,
I am neither cursed nor gifted.
I assume a liberty
imposed by the sovereignty.

I assume a freedom
in a prison I don't see.

Unlike a rabid dog,
I do not see clearly
but sense the merest,
inconsistent, yes, face of eternity.

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Why am I suddenly writing poems all over the place? :)

Ang pagmamahal ko
ni Von Cuerpo

Ang pagmamahal ko ay parang Araw
ng Kaluluwa, hindi hanging humahampas
ang katawan sa pagluluksa, ngunit
tumatawa sa bawat bato ng baraha.

Ang pagmamahal ko ay parang Buwan
ng Nobyembre, nakikinig, nagmamanman
sa pagdating ng hinihintay
na pagsilang ng katihimikan.

Ang pagmamahal ko ay hindi gintong
aral. Wala akong maibibigay na mahalagang
bagay na iyong kinakailangan.

Hindi ako santo. Hindi ako nagbibigay ng pagmamahal
na walang katapusan. Tumatawa at tahimik, pareho,
ang aking ibinibigay. Hindi ito para kaninuman.

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This is, in the truest sense of the word, an attempt to write Filipino poetry. Mediocre, yes, but at least I try.

:)

I miss it so much.

Yes. That.

I'm actually starting to consider reading a hundred pages of case law "easy reading."

Ohmigod. I am becoming a freak.

Must...break...freakness...

Must...party...til...the break of dawn...

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Anyway, it's my birthday (yay!). I actually forgot because I'm studying for Consti. That is, until my good friend, neighbor and classmate, Raisa, visited me and gave me a small cake from BreadTalk (black forest-y goodness in every bite). She's such a sweetheart.

I thanked her in person, and then thanked her again through text. She replied:

"No prob. :) It's just the two of us here and away from our families. Might as well look after each other. :) I'm glad you liked it. Happy birthday."

That made my day.

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Regarding gifts, I don't mind cash. Hahaha.

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Nah, that's a joke.

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Well, actually, it isn't.

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Ok fine. Cge na. Joke na sya. Haha.

I was supposed to cut my classes for Consti, Persons and Philo of Law today, and just go to the last class, Crim (because my recit's so-so), because I was feeling sick and I really didn't have enough energy to go through four classes.

And then, surprises of surprises, classes are cancelled today and tomorrow.

Hehe. There is a god.

The truth is that I scare easy. I just don't show it often.

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I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of pain, and disappointing someone important to me, and disappointing myself. (These should round up my top three.) So I tend to push myself harder than I should.

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At the risk of sounding "Star Wars-ish", the leap from fear to anger isn't really that far. I've experienced it often, which is probably why I get angry as often as I do; because I fear a lot of things. Some people are surprised at how angry I can get sometimes. It surprises me as well, to be perfectly honest.

An ex once told me I can sometimes act like a monster; and that it seems to come from nowhere.

I don't really know how to respond to that.

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I know for a fact that I am not as strong as I would like myself to be, but I do try to fake it to the best of my ability. It's a common law in Image Consultancy: shit becomes the truth if you can get other people to believe in it.

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I'm such a Cancer. Boohoo-ing, hard-shelled, soft-underbellied crab.

I do not assume the position
of Underdog. The world does not revolve
around your will. I am not assuming
the pain will not last. It is deeper
than the bruise you inflict on my skin,
or the flesh you tear from my limb.

I do not assume the position
of two dogs fucking. In heat,
I will not mince words. I will spit
at your grave and war with your soul.
The pain shall not last, and I, skillfully,
shall will my bent back to stand to your steel.

I am Courage--fullness
of heart. Well of spirit.
You will not break me.

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Here's another shot at another poem. This sounds just a little bit angry. I'm not really sure why.

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I'm also having trouble with the title. It seems too flippant considering the overall tone of the piece.

( Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening )
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This is a classic by Robert Frost. If you can't see how fantastic this poem is, there is no hope for you. :)

Just to break the monotony of my posts, here's a bit of Pablo Neruda:

( From – Twenty Poems of Love )
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Favorite line: I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her./
Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long.

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It's not one of his best, but there are some really great lines. And he wrote this when he was 20, so that's pretty, well, wow.

My application for SMART Bro has been approved. Yay! It's going to be installed this Sunday. Double Yay!

It's difficult not to have Internet when you're studying.

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I decided that I need to have a life outside of Law school or else I'm going to go insane.

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The "cuteness level" of my block is pretty above average. Better than Bed and Government combined. However, most of them are straight so that sucks. Although that might be a good thing too para walang distraction.

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Margaux, my best friend in Law School, was teased this afternoon by the WHOLE class because they thought we were an item. Hahaha. I wasn't there because I went back to my place to get my book and cases for Crim. When I got back, they were already done although a lot of them were looking at me and saying hi rather mockingly. Haha. Then Margaux told me about it.

I told her it could be worse. We could be linked to absolute fugliness personified. Hehe. Ang evil ko.

She said she didn't say anything except "The truth shall set me free." Hahaha. Panalo.

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I think I made a mistake. I can't talk about it though. Basta kailangan panindigan.

Stupid.

Started on Article 6 of the constitution regarding legislative power. Very interesting. Gave me a better understanding of the Cha-cha issue regarding "people's initiative based on constitution" (GMA camp) vs. "the need for an enabling law" (uhmm, opposite camp?).

Starting to get over the initial culture shock. But I do need to keep on an eye on my stress level. My back is killing me.

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I don't like reading case digests. Napipikon lang ako usually sa gumawa. I usually rely on case digests if and only if it has become physically impossible for me to read everything. But that's usually a last, last resort.

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Initial thoughts on my class and professors (The Big Three):

Consti I, Atty Candelaria- I like his subject and how he asks questions. I don't even really mind the fact that he bombards us with insane amounts of readings (about 50-100 pages per 1 hour class, 3x a week, I think, not counting the supplementary Bernas book you'll be reading on your own). Could potentially become my favorite class. Too early to tell though. I'll see after the semester.

Persons and Family Relations, Atty Chan-Gonzaga- She scares me. And she always smiles mockingly when you make a mistake. I'm not sure if she does it on purpose though. And she requires an (almost!) verbatim recitation of provisions in the Civil and Family Code. Fortunately though, she doesn't bombard us with cases, and she does recitations in rounds.

Criminal Law, Atty Faylona- Funny funny teacher. And you learn a lot. And his class isn't too difficult. The problem is I'm not really a big fan of Criminal law. It's too straightforward for me.

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Okay, back to work.

1. Sleeping for eight hours a night.
2. BodyBalance, Yoga and BodyCombat.
3. Regularly updating my blog and checking my friends' blogs.
4. Eating good (slightly expensive) food in a nice restaurant with no regard to time.
5. Going clubbing, getting drunk and heading home at 6 in the morning.
6. TV.
7. Reading a good book.
8. My friends who aren't in law school.
9. My parents and siblings.
10. My old life.

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Not that I hate law. In fact, I love it. It's just that I do need to sacrifice a few things. I've never worked this hard for anything in my life, but, honestly, there's nothing like studying for hours without end, being called by a professor you really respect, and being able to answer. You feel like you really earned something. You don't know what that something is, but it feels pretty good.

I'm developing a work ethic. Haha. Weird.

Hay. Just finished reading 8 cases for Consti law. And people are saying that's not enough. Need to shift to Crim Law and read at least 5 for this one by, well, in the next two hours actually. Then shift back to Consti and read a couple more. Then shift back to Crim and read five more. Another all-nighter. There isn't any noticeable difference between my blood and Starbucks coffee anymore. They have now become one and the same.

Law school is hell.

In the past two weeks, I've read 64 cases (for Intro to Law, about 200-300 pages I think); 95 pages of text for persons and family relations; 30 pages of a Bernas book, a JD thesis on National territory, a Chapter from Hobbes' "Leviathan" and Lockes "Treatises" and 8 cases for Consti I; 50 pages of text from the Reyes book and at least 5-10 more cases for Crim I, not to mention articles for Legal Research and Philo of Law. Hay. I'm dying.

I average 5-7 hours of studying every night, and I still feel stupid everytime I walk into class. No exaggeration.

The silver lining, if you can call it that, is that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Everyone in Ateneo Law (or at least the freshmen, I think) does.

It's come to a point where a nervous breakdown might actually be welcome. Haha.

Now excuse me while I go cry*. Hahaha.

*Ok fine, I'm not actually going to cry, but it's really, really tempting. Hay, back to work.

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I've lost so much weight in such a short span of time, it's scary. My advice for those who want to lose weight? Go study law.

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One last. My younger brother almost got into the new PBB series. Haha. I think he made it to the last stage, but didn't fully make it through. Corny.